Five Tips for a Horrific Valentine’s Day

Does your significant other regularly force you to watch movies you deem “too scary?” Does he or she have at least one tee shirt featuring a dismembered limb? Do they regularly refer to Valentine’s Day as “that black hole of consumerism in the middle of February?”

If so, there’s a good chance your significant other is a horror fan, and if that is the case, there’s also a good chance the romantic dinner you have planned will more likely induce a fevered murder-spree than the anticipated romantic night.

No need to fear. Below you will find five tips for a horrific Valentine’s Day.

Number 5: The only red in the room should be blood

I know. Valentine’s Day means red roses, pink teddy bears, and cute little puppy dogs. You better get that out of your mind right now. It’s sick, twisted, and making me vaguely nauseous.

Instead of red roses, you should buy black. If you must buy a stuffed animal, find the ugliest monster plush you can. Try These.

And in the name of all that is evil and unholy, don’t go anywhere near a pet store unless you plan on buying a snake, or even better, some kind of rotten-looking rat.

Number 4: Romantic music

Hold on, is that a Celine Dion CD in your hand? Did you seriously just break out the old boom box so you could play Air Supply during dinner? Are you out of your bloody mind?

Before you do something to forever jeopardize your relationship, I suggest you take the baseball bat from the corner and destroy the evidence. Right. Now.

Okay that was close. Here, I made a play list on your computer for you. I know, Tool, Dr. Steel, and Gogol Bordello don’t sound romantic. Guess what, that’s the point!

Number 3: Step away from the ring!

You weren’t thinking of proposing on Valentine’s Day, were you? Listen, you’re better off doing it on Halloween or the Autumnal Equinox. Nuff said.

Number 2: Skip the fancy restaurant

Hey, I heard there’s a midnight horror movie marathon over at the local theater. No? How about renting something sick and twisted, getting takeout, and rocking all those kinky toys you have hidden in the closet? Maybe instead of getting dressed up in a suit or dress, you can smear on some fake blood and stumble into the aforementioned fancy restaurant, pretending to have gotten in a horrible car wreck (Just make sure to skedaddle before the cops come).

Number 1: Skip Valentine’s Day entirely

What? Skip V-day!?

Ya-huh.

February 14th isn’t reserved for old Saint Valentine. It’s also Clean Out Your Computer Day, Ferris Wheel Day, and National Organ Donor Day.

Nothing says I love you like donating your heart.

If you follow these simple tips, you’re sure to wow your Gothic significant other with the best V-day they’ve ever had. And be sure to check out Fearnet’s list of Valentine’s Day goodies, and horror-movies.ca’s list of five Valentine’s Day horror movies.